Looking for Something

In 2014, I had a problem. It was a BIG one because I didn't know what the problem was. I was reading a wonderful book, titled The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. She wrote, "You're not happy unless you think you are happy." At the time, I believed the major areas of my life (marriage, work, home, finances and more) were going well, but I didn't feel happy. So, there was either something wrong with her statement or with me!

At 64, I was a bit late for a mid-life crisis, yet it felt like one because I needed something to change in my life. I was joylessly sleepwalking through my days and began looking for something to serve as a wake-up call. I was aware of a men's organization called Victories because I had attended one of their workshops in the 1990s. Back then, I read the works of Robert Bly, Sam Keen, John Lee, and others, plus attended workshops and conferences focused on men's issues. I even recruited a few male friends to meet monthly to discuss how we were managing our lives. But by 2014, many of the lessons I learned in those years faded. Maybe I needed a re-fresher course.

I spoke with an old friend, George Reiger, who was involved in Victories, about their various weekend programs. He described a weekend retreat called the Wisdom Years, which was designed to help men over 50 reflect on their past and consider how they wanted to live their remaining years. Sounded like what I needed, so I signed up.

Driving to the retreat camp in Oregon, Illinois on May 16, 2014, I was both excited and anxious. The excitement came from my positive experiences at past men's conferences; however, I was anxious because this was no conference. It was a weekend in the woods with a large group of strangers, which was way out of my comfort zone at that time. I sensed something important might occur. I just didn't know what. Sometimes to win the prize, you need to be present.

By the camp entrance, I was greeted by two smiling guys who directed me to the parking lot, where I was greeted by two more smiling faces. Why are these dudes so happy? I was told to leave my cell phone in the care and to hike up to the retreat center, where I gathered with about 25 men. I was uncertain who were staff members and who were participants. No turning back now.

I won't describe the weekend's specific activities and exercises because I agreed to keep them secret for the sake of future participants. An element of surprise can be therapeutic. What I can share are the insights I gained that weekend. I learned my lack of joy was directly related to my unresolved griefwork. Within 18 months of the retreat, two significant deaths had occurred -- my mother and my father-in-law. I was close to both and shed tears immediately after each death, yet I failed to go deeper into these losses. For example, the day after my mother's funeral in Florida, I was presenting a workshop to about 30 counselors in Milwaukee. I suppose my thinking was "the show must go on" despite my situation. Perhaps in suppressing my grief, I also began to suppress other emotions, such as happiness. In Rising Strong, Brene Brown wrote, "When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don't go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending -- to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth."

The weekend raised many questions for me. What thoughts and behaviors do I need to shed from my life because they are no longer serving me well? They may just be keeping me stuck in the past. What thoughts and behaviors do I need to bring into my life to continue to grow? Fortunately, I was with other men on the retreat who were trying to find answers to these questions, too. It was the first time I heard the phrase, "One man's work is every man's work?"

While driving away from the camp that Sunday afternoon, I knew my work was far from over. It was just beginning. I joined a Personal Growth Group (PGG), comprised of Wisdom Years alumni who come together to build upon the lessons learned in the retreat. This peer-led group meets every other week at a member's home. Our pre-COVID format iwas to eat dinner together at the host's home, followed by an evening of sharing, caring, and understanding our common bonds. The group provides a safe space in which to share both our struggles and our triumphs. Common themes are explored in our ongoing meetings -- pressures to be productive, difficulty in being more authentic, and learning self-compassion Over time, we find the more open and vulnerable we are, the stronger our group becomes. We are not just connecting with each other. We are creating a sense of belonging, which many of us missed throughout most of our lives.

When COVID struck in 2020, we shifted from in-person meetings to Zoom meetings. No more dinners together. No more group hugs. We experimented with ways to keep our interactions fresh and meaningful. For example, we incorporated a monthly session in which one man spends half of our group time presenting his biography, followed by questions and open discussion. These life stories were often powerful in helping us understand the events that shaped a man's life, instead of focusing primarily on current personal issues as they arose from week to week.

During the pandemic, Victories launched weekly Camp Fire meetings via Zoom to further address the social isolation which most of us felt. These meetings were designed as open-ended groups, allowing men to drop in as needed without a commitment to maintain involvement as we do in a PGG. I joined a Camp Fire in April 2020 and have remained active since then. Instead of simply dropping in occasionally, this group deepens its ties with the Victories organization as many of us volunteer to serve in various committees , weekend retreats and other events. In this way, I have built a broader support network than the limitation of a PGG with only nine other men. This service to others continues to provide a sense of purpose for me in my retirement. Perhaps once a social worker, always a social worker.

I remember the man I was prior to my first Victories weekend. I was stuck, joyless, and anxious. Since that retreat, I have attended other Victories weekends, which have helped me to uncover parts of myself which were mostly hidden to others and to me. My network of friends has expanded beyond my imagination. Many of these friends I now see as my brothers.

At a time when there are countless stories in the media about social isolation and depression among men, Victories offers a wonderful antidote. For additional information about Victories, please visit our website at https://www.victoriesformen.org